I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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