paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
