u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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