i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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