dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize