she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
