When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
