Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
