Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
