I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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