I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Pants are for mortals
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
