And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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