theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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