You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
