The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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