I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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