I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
