someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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