Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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