My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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