Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize