Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
