My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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