I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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