I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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