I faked an abortion last night.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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