do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
