yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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