I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
