literally had 100 drinks last night.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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