my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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