hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
