Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
