Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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