Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
