like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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