Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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