If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
