i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
