ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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