if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize