hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
