I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
