There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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