bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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