I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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