Im at strip club and am horny
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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