you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
