I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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