Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i've created a new STD.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
