pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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