I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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