I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
