fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
