Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
