Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
