To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
