I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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