Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
